Day 304 – What I Say Does Matter
Right now I’m reading ‘What We Say Matters’ by Judith Hansen Lasater and Ike K. Lasater. I was recommended this book by a couple of people who claimed to be non-violent communicators and then turned out to be anything but that. Still, I wasn’t put off.
I was first introduced to non-violent speech a few years ago by Thich Naht Hanh in his book Anger and since then have been interested in how to take non-violent speech farther than simply when I’m having an argument.
I already practice mindfulness whenever I remember. Thankfully, as Gil pointed out in today’s talk, the act of being mindful is an act of Right Speech. So, I’ve actually be practicing non-violent speech for longer than I realized! However, that’s not to say it’s easy and that I haven’t spoken violently with others in the past. Some days I seem to do nothing but that. Yet, I start again, afresh, taking small steps as I go in the hopes they lead up to larger ones in the future.
Truth:
I find it hard to speak the truth. I’m so used to telling people little white lies to hide things from them about myself that I’m ashamed of or simply wish to keep private. I’m mindful that I’m telling lies and try to figure out ways that I can tell the truth. I guess what it all boils down to is my fear of judgement from others about my choices in life. Not easy to do when you’re a vegan yogi who practices Buddhism, who has also grown up in Africa and lived for several years in the Middle East. Even answering the question ‘Where are you from?’ opens up a whole can of lies for me because telling the questioner the truth is either too long, too complicated or way more information than was asked for.
This is definitely the part of Right Speech I have the most difficulty with and need to work on the most.
Kind:
In general I am a kind person. Often kind to a fault because I then take myself for granted in my kindness. But I am also a scorpio and my tail has a sharp sting. I will be kind to you, but if you cross me look out. Because of this tendency I now try now to practice the Middle Way with kindness. This means I tend not to be as spontaneous with my kindness as I used to in order to take my own feelings into consideration first. I also try to make sure I’m not giving so much away that I then want vengeance when things don’t work out the way I hoped they would.
I guess you could say that my innate kindness is conditional and that I need to work on unconditional kindness to truly begin to practice this part of Right Speech.
Useful:
People find me frustrating because I often don’t speak enough. Truth be told, I speak when there is someone to be spoken to. If others rant on I will let them. I am not the kind of person who likes to dominate conversation and I have a great ability for listening patiently to others who do. I found this happening this weekend, although I don’t think my fellow Jivamukti weekend warrior participants were frustrated with me. I was often happy to sit and listen, although sometimes I had to be mindful to hear what they were saying instead of planning my response. I took part in some of the conversations, but also found myself to be sitting alone listening instead of participating. I do this when the situation is new. I have to. It’s my survival mechanism after years of moving around. I need the listening time to figure out the culture I am in and how I can integrate into that culture.
Generally, I speak when spoken to, but can be found to speak a lot when others are willing to listen. I try to only say what is useful, but also have a tendency to say silly things to break the silence. I’m learning to sit with this more and not worry if nothing is being said for a while.
Timely:
I am horrible with timing. When I have something to say to someone I blurt it out. I can’t contain it. I need relief. This happened on a Google+ post today and I had to go back and edit it several times so it wasn’t so narcissistic. It’s not that I’m ignoring others needs, but simply that I can’t recognize them until I have expressed myself and then it’s too late to track back knowing that it wasn’t the time or place or situation to really discuss the issue.
This practice is very hard for me, but I’m trying. I’m learning to see the whole picture and holding back when the timing feels wrong. I really wanted to talk to someone this weekend who seemed like a fascinating person with a great aura, but they had just broken up with someone and I could tell that the timing wasn’t right. So, I held back.
(Concord):
I like to laugh and be silly to make others laugh (I’m hardly a comedian, but I can get crazy). I do this to bring people together. It means I appear to be happy and carefree to others, but from my point of view I am acting silly because of nerves and an underlying fear that people won’t like me or won’t get along if they don’t laugh. I’ve gotten better at not doing this as I’ve gained more confidence about myself, but it’s definitely my reset button that gets pushed in situations that are unfamiliar or uncomfortable for me.
All of that is a lot to think about in order to speak non-violently. How do I do it? I use the techniques suggested by Gil:
I connect to my body. I stay as mindful as possible and note whether the things I am telling myself in my mind are kind or nasty. I listen to what my mind is saying about the other person too. I listen to my stomach and my heart. I sense their color and the sensations taking place. Is my stomach churning? Are my arms and legs tingly? Is my breathing relaxed? Am I really hearing what this person is saying or are my eyes and ears focused on something else? How am I standing? My body and mind tell me everything I need to know to realign my speech, it’s just a question of whether I listen or not.
Right Speech is definitely a work in progress that I will work towards all my life. It is not something I will learn from a book, but simply a practice that books can give me better tools to use along the way. ‘What We Say Matters’ is no difference. The only thing I have to do now is to make what I say matter by being brave enough to use those tools on the outside world.
In what ways do you practice Right Speech?
Namaste
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Related articles
- Right Speech (bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com)
- Skillful Speech (ronyabanks.com)
- The 14 Mindfulness Trainings (namasteconsultinginc.com)
Lovely insights…I struggle to speak up for myself and when I do finally get the nerve am afraid that I come off as rude or abrasive. My need to please and be accepted runs deep. I’m trying really hard to express myself without stepping on toes.
That is difficult Denise. I used to struggle with that myself. You sound like you are very aware of yourself and others, which is why it’s so difficult for you. Good luck working on that! I hope you manage to find peace in it
When someone says ‘where are you from’ can you just say cairo, or morocco, or syria, or wherever it was that you were from. You really don’t need to fill everybody in, on where you’ve been throughout your adult life, if there are folow up questions, you can always add a little about your life there, having to explain everything would be stressful for anyone
I don’t follow a formerly practised spiritualism or religion of any kind, and the reason I mention this is because I practice ‘right speech’ without noticing or labeling it. I too, listen a lot, I think when I converse/interact with others that they usually like to unload all their feelings/insecurities/thoughts etc, that they generally don’t get a listening ear for and I ‘think’ but I could be wrong, that most people are talkers and not listeners, and I try to have a fair balance of both, and try to have fun or ‘meaning’ to my words when I can.
My Spirit Honours your Spirit.
Hehe, that would be easier. Unfortunately there is no formal answer to that question for me as I moved around when I was a kid, which made me into a Third Culture Kid and our number one difficulty is knowing where we are from. We don’t fit into a single box. This is why I have such difficulty saying one thing. I was born one place, my accent is different to that place and yet I lived the majority of my formative years on an entirely different continent. Anyway, that’s my dichotomy that I have to figure out for myself.
That’s interesting that you practice without labelling, which is great. I think we can overthink things too much when we have a label on them. I agree with you that most people are talkers, which is why if you are good at listening you may end up listening for way longer than you had expected. Balance, like you said, is always the key, as is having fun. Sounds like you do a great job of communicating.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
My Spirit Honours your Spirit in return.:)
You make me want to label myself, hmm, let me see, I was conceived in Turkish occupied Cyprus, born in London, England, moved to New Jersey USA since I was 30, (57 now, but that is definitely just a number, especially for me) I have always considered myself to be not just a citizen of a country, or the Earth, but a member of the universe in whatever plain or parallel there is out there, you could say that I sound confused, heck ‘I’ am confused, who am I?.
When I’m in my current location NJ, I have an accent (kinda like a generic unregional british), & it’s remarked upon a lot, when I’m in my hometown, London, people mistake my accent for Australian, or south African or ?.
So culturally I’m influenced by being turkish, and british, and most of my adult life being American!. does that make me a Third Culture Creature
who knows!
Actually what I do know is that I ‘don’t’ like being labeled, I feel like I’d be losing myself in human homogenization and I quite like being ‘the unconformist’
Hands raised, & palms together, with my eyes peering into yours, I see your heart & your soul, I smile, & I say, Namaste
WOW! Okay, then you are definitely a Third Culture Kid. I love that you see yourself as a member of the universe. I see myself as that too and used to often tell people I was from the earth, but that didn’t go down too well so I stopped. I get the same issue with my Scottish accent, which is much less strong than people realize. What to do though? Labels are annoying, but that is how most people navigate this earth so I guess it’s a matter of figuring out which label to use for which situation. Often I just say I’m from Scotland to keep it easy or if I don’t have time. Other times I say I’m American, but my parents are Scottish. Still, every label does make me feel unauthentic when I use it, but what to do?
Please keep being an unconformist! That’s awesome. _/:)\_ Namaste
Excellent article …
Non violent communication requires Compassion … a desire to seek to be kind, regardless.
The Truth can always be spoken … the NVC difference lies in how we speak it.
Kindly … or harshly?
Strangely, I too have come across advocates of NVC who do not seem to understand this.
Thank you Gabri. You are absolutely right that compassion is required and that is the key. If you speak using NVC language, but do not feel compassion then it doesn’t matter what you say, it will still be violent. Thank you for that reminder. I think NVC is one of those practices that people feel they can master once they have the lingo down, but the truth is that it is a constant practice of checking in to make sure your compassion matches your words, otherwise you are just reciting verbatim, which helps no one.
Thank you for commmenting!
Namaste