Day 315 – Unclogging the Mind and the Heart
I didn’t want to meditate this morning. Not even for a minute. So, I didn’t.
Something in me is really resisting metta practice and the Jivamukti chant I learned a couple of weeks ago.
After my weekend of yoga I was all into chanting every morning…until I forgot for a couple of mornings. Then the idea of doing it made me almost want to gag. Now, if that isn’t resistance I don’t know what is!
Where is this resistance coming from? What happened to my tender heart? When I think about it I want to shrink away. Something has closed up within me and I have no idea why.
It is open to my nieces who I shower love on whenever I see them. It’s open to my family who have been helping me out in so many ways these past few days. It’s open to the cashiers at the store who I’m quite happy to chat with and smile at when once I would have kept my eyes down and um-ed and nodded whenever I was spoken to. It’s open to most everyone in general as far as I can tell.
Except one person. Oh yeah. That person. Me.
I’m closed off to myself. The though of opening my heart up to me and expressing metta for myself (the first person to start with) just makes me want to run for the hills. Why? You got me. But there’s definitely a hardening, a closing, an anger over something.
Noah Levine talked about how he chanted metta meditation for years without meaning it. He then chanted it with meaning, but still with a closed heart. It took him many years to finally practice and actually mean and feel metta when he recited it, and he still doesn’t always feel it. It is called practice rather than perfection for a reason (love that).
I guess my problem is I’m always striving for perfection. If I’m not feeling it then I won’t do it because it won’t be done ‘well enough’. If I’ve done something to upset myself then I won’t recite metta because I don’t feel I ‘deserve it’. If I’m tired and would rather sleep than meditate, I won’t do it because I don’t value my peace of mind enough to recognize that meditation is as important to my life as getting enough sleep.
Like Noah mentioned, until I started meditation practice at the age of 31 I clogged up my heart and mind with a lot of the dust and dirt that accompanies every day life. And when you unclog a drain everything has to rise to the top before it can drain away. That means I have 31 years of dust and dirt that needs to rise to the top before I can start draining it away. That’s quite a scary thought!
No wonder I don’t want to sit most of the time. No wonder my unclogged mind and heart often scare and control me. No wonder there’s still a lot of healing that needs to be done with my heart.
The question is what I’m going to do about it, if I do anything at all!
- Studies: metta (loving-kindness) meditation can ease symptoms of schizophrenia (psychscoop.wordpress.com)
- Metta (standinginanopenfield.wordpress.com)
- Anger-Fear-Compassion (hekataia.wordpress.com)
- Meditation (1) (rlongw.wordpress.com)