Day 64 – The Raw Unedited Moment of Suffering (Warning – this is not a perfectly written or edited blog post!)
I’m neck deep in writing projects this last week of April and it’s bringing up many issues for me. I’m angry and resistant to nothing more than the act of having to do so much. Yet I love it. I enjoy writing and know that I’ll be so proud of myself when I finish with them and I’ll also have more time to devote to other projects that are on the back burner.
But there’s just something about finishing that brings up all my issues. I’ve always had a problem writing endings. i love the start of the project where the words are flowing and the ideas just won’t stop coming sometimes to the pont where they keep me up at night, but somewhere 2/3 or the way in I get lost I get doubtful and I start to lose my motivation. The resistance and avoidance begins.
In some ways I’m feeling this way about my practice and my blog today. I’m really starting to get somewhere with my meditation practice, but I often ‘forget’ to sit for several days of th week, or make sure not to plan it in till the last minute and then my bed calling me is much stronger motivation that sitting.
I listened to the zencast today about the present moment and the power of choice. For some reason although it spoke many truths about things I can relate to at this point in my practice and also about suffering I was frustrated that I was only 10 minutes in. 50 mins of listening to Andrea Fella seems too long and it is late. i don’t want to be up half the night blogging about this (it’s now 9:55pm). Yet I spent most of the day watching TV shows I downloaded and checking emails that weren’t important to read right at that moment.
When I get anxious about projects not being finished in time I start to procrastinate and then I get anxious and I get fed up and I can’t get comfortable where I”m sitting or even with my typing. It seems that all of a sudden I’ve forgotten where the keys are on the keyboard. I feel the stress start to grow up in my chest and the tears are about to spike my eyes.
I”m puffing out instead of breathing in. I’m avoiding even looking at the cushion. I don’t want to look at this uncomfortable feeling, this suffering that is palpable pain in this moment. Yet sitting is the exact thing that would cure me of these feelings.
I want to run, scream, watch TV, eat.
Instead I”m sitting trying to type this (badly) cause this is my practice. THis is the point. If I give up today I’m giving up tomorrow and I won’t do that. Not this time.
But the difficulty is there. It’s changing in the air. It’s tearing me apart.
I know tomorrow will be another day. The next present moment another moment. So I’m going to stop typing, pull up that cushion and even if I only sit for one minute I’ll have won.
It’s my choice.
It’s baby steps.