Day 216 – Raw, Open, Ready to Begin Again
My ego has taken a hit. I feel like a surgeon has opened me up, moved around my internal organs and then left me open on the table for the world to see.
I move in and out of emotions: back and forth, up and down, in and out.
I never realized the power a 2-year-old could have over my mental and emotional well-being.
Just when I thought I had my practice figured out. Just when my ego felt confident in its mindfulness, calm and patience, here comes age 2 with its flailing, crying, moaning, laughing, dancing, prancing, adorable 2 year old-ness.
I haven’t made it to Sangha yet. There’s just no time. I barely have time to write or listen to my Zencast. I’m popular as can be, but I’m not yet quite recovered enough from traveling half way around the world to come up with on the spot activities that prevent my niece from descending into Tasmanian devil destruction.
At times like these I understand why I have yet to become a mother and question if I ever will. At times like these I have to check my mind at the door so I don’t enter the house with judgement, exasperation and regression to my own inner 2-year-old.
Who would have thought that entering into the world of a young, growing family would have me working so close to my edge? Who would have thought that only 2 days into my time here I would have hit an all time low? Well, I guess I knew it could happen, my ego just didn’t believe it would.
I keep telling myself not to continue stabbing myself with arrows, to rest gently in my fleeting despair, anger, sadness and exasperation. I repeat the mantra in my mind ‘this too’ as things fail to pan out the way I had hoped. But then life rarely is how we imagine it to be, isn’t it. There have been things I’ve learned here that have shocked me since I arrived, there have been people who continue to disappoint me every day, this never seems to be enough time in the day…and to top it all off I can’t register for the marathon I’ve been training for because it’s sold out due to popular demand. I guess it wasn’t meant to be?!
So, I take some time to check my heart and soul and am gladdened by that deep dark peace within me that knows I’m okay, although tears are brimming at the surface and sighs work their magic on releasing the built up tension around my ribs.
It’s a new beginning on the next stage of the path. I’ve warmed up, but the home strait is a long way in the distance. At this time it’s about endurance and knowing that the mental will dictate what happens next.
All I know right now is that I’m grateful to be here, I’m grateful my family is healthy and happy, I’m grateful there are job opportunities opening up that I didn’t expect, and I’m soooo grateful that I have time and a car to get me to that zazen on Sunday morning where I can sit with my mind and replay all of this in vivid detail before my eyes as if living it the first time wasn’t punishment enough.
Thank goodness for practice, thank goodness for Sangha, thank goodness for Buddha. It’s time to get back on the Buddhist practice horse.
- Day 173 – Confidence (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)
- Day 202 – Realized Delusions (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)
- Day 176 – Beginning Again (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)
- Day 188 – I’m grateful… (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)
- Day 204 – Not Always So (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)
- The Triple Gem by Buddhism Now (thebluelotuscafe.wordpress.com)
- Day 185 – The Guiding Principles of Mindful Speech (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)
- 11 September 2011: Bhikkhuni (gratitudeeveryday.wordpress.com)
- Day 208 – Attention Deficit (ayearoflivingwisely.wordpress.com)