Day 234 – The Practice of Addiction
I’m a walking contradiction.
I like to immerse myself in my emotions, even though that can be one of the most painful things to put myself through. I don’t like running away from whatever is going on in my mind, yet I find it extremely hard to sit everyday and look at myself dead in the eye.
However, it’s for these reasons that I’ve never been one to drink or take drugs. I always felt that if I took that path of trying to numb myself from the things that made me uncomfortable it would be the first step down a slippery slope of running away from the parts of me I found the hardest to face.
I’m not saying I don’t have my own numbing addictions, such a television, chocolate, the internet (Facebook) and caffeine in the form of soda. I do. And I use most of those every day. However, I’m also aware of my addictions more than ever now that I’ve been practicing every day. I’m more aware than ever of when I’m trying to run away, to numb, to hide.
Like right now.
I should be working on a script I thought I was done with, but ended up needing to revise further. I should be slogging through it, but I’m procrastinating. I’m checking Facebook. I’m watching shows on Hulu. I’m thinking about what I have in my cupboards to eat.
It could be worse, I could be buying myself a six-pack of beer to finish tonight or lighting up a joint, but to me that seems to easy. It’s more of an escape than I’d prefer. It would leave me crying in a corner having decided that everything wrong in my life suddenly bothers me.
Instead, eating another Oreo cookie, watching another episode of The Daily Show and checking my inbox for the 10th time this hour does nothing but increase the rate of my heart beat and drum into the back of my mind what a failure I am for not being able to solve this script problem.
For as much as I have my own addiction, it’s the best one for me. It keeps me pushing to improve my life, to publish more, to just get the darned thing written out, even if I am stuffing my face with Oreos at the time. It doesn’t leave me lying in bed like a dying fish, or sitting in a corner imagining a world that I would otherwise never have experienced.
My addictions leave me present and aware and mindful of all the ways I try to run away and hide from myself and my emotions. They keep me focused on the stories I make up in my head that are not worthy of the written experience.
They are still things I need to work on, but at least they’re pushing me towards that work as I experience them.
What are your addictions? What do they teach you? Do you consider them to be a detriment to your life or just another arrow pointing towards practice?
- Quitting my Facebook Addiction (johngasty.wordpress.com)
- Addicted To Facebook? Join The Facebook Rehab Community (socialtimes.com)
- My newest addiction (thoughtsalonglifeshighway.com)
- Millions of 7-12 year old Brit kids are Facebook addicts (news.bioscholar.com)