Day 279 – The Torn-up Twisted Space In Between


Zencast 276 – Five Faculties

I was directed to this blog post through a Google+ thread by Julien Smith. The title of the post caught my eye because it summed up in one sentence how I’m feeling about life right now.

I’m in permanent flinch mode. Everything that arises causes me to flinch and it’s bringing out the worst in my personality. I feel that after all the steps I took in 2011 to practice the path and change my thinking for the better, all this flinching is taking me back to a neurotic, fear-based, monkey-mind square one.

My new house is causing me to flinch (I am painting rather than moving in). Work is causing me to flinch (I take on projects and then moan about them constantly, which is really the resistance talking). I meet new people, and old, who cause me to flinch (I want to hang out, but then find a million excuses why I can’t – there goes the fear, but of what exactly? hmmm).

Flinching makes me want to run. It restores my fight or flight primal response that automatically switches to flight for every situation. Flinching makes me want to run down the street letting my ego yell obscenities at passersby. It makes me want to hurt the people around me that I love simply because I’m feeling so torn up and twisted inside that I need someone else to take some of that pain away.

Yet, I guess this is exactly where the juice is. Like Jane Boyd described in her blog post, moving into the flinching/ embracing the flinching opens up the space around that torn up twisted place inside of me that’s already bolting out the door. It allows for exploration, for new pathways to be created, new possibilities to be met. And in that space I’ve found the most interesting situations have arisen lately.

I’ve met people who I never thought I would have anything in common with, and they’ve become instant allies. I’ve been given opportunities I could never have dreamed of that have led me to work I’m passionate about just because I was sitting in the space in between. I’ve also been given a mirror to see my true self as others really see me (rather than what I believe they see me as) that has helped me show more compassion to myself and realize that the perfectionist in me is never really disappears.

I’ve never been one to run towards the things in life that hurt the most with open arms, but I have to say that there’s definitely something in moving towards those situations in life that strike a scary chord inside. In my experience, flinching is a sign of moving towards that which makes us uncomfortable. This may seem like a crazy thing to do, but as it turns out, everything in this life that I’m passionate about makes me uncomfortable in most ways (probably because in following those passions and failing I have the most to lose). The things I’m passionate about freak me out, turn up the resistance and yet make me happier than I’ve ever been before.

So, the next time you flinch, stop and think. Are you going to stay and fight through it for the prize on the other side or will you simply fly away?



8 Responses to “Day 279 – The Torn-up Twisted Space In Between”
  1. Devi says:

    Hey, This post arrived at a time when I began embracing not just my “flinches”, but every little fear, guilt, shame etc that passes through me! Thank you, was a good read. Sometimes I look back and think, ‘now why didn’t I know this stuff before?’. Lol! You find so many websites and info on “how to love yourself” on the net (um I am one of those people who actually had to surf to figure that out!!) and I am grateful that after all these years, I have finally started to do that. I would recommend meditation to every single person. Its truly amazing how so much of the sedimentary deposits clear out of your system.
    Btw, Angela, I cam across your blog a few days ago via tinybuddha, and was surprised to find out you lived in Oman! I grew up there, can you believe it? And mostly I feel the same way about almost everything you write.
    Do write more!
    ps: (I’ve just started a new blog myself about my musings on meditation, but postings are taking time!)

    • Hi Devi!

      Thanks for your comment and sorry it took so long to reply. I’m checking your blog now :)

      I’m glad my post helped you out. It’s great to feel a sense of community in these blogs that make you feel as if you wrote it yourself. That’s crazy about the Oman connection! Wow. Did you live in Muscat and which school did you go to? My mom teaches at Royal Flight School, if that rings a bell. When did you leave and have you been back since?

      I’m definitely planning on writing here again soon, hopefully on a weekly basis. Thanks so much for your support and I look forward to reading your blog :)


  2. “the next time you flinch, stop and think. Are you going to stay and fight through it for the prize on the other side or will you simply fly away?”

    The next time I flinch, I will certainly pay attention. I will stay through rather than fight through, and will get to the other side only to notice there are no sides. I will also realize that the prize is not on the other side, it’s always here, with me.

  3. Pamela says:

    Loved this. Thank you. I’m right here with you lady, leaning into the twisty bits!! xoxo

    • You should be with all that yoga teacher training! LOL! I’m signed up for a Jivamukti warrior weekend in January. Have you done any Jivamukti? Hope all is well with you and you have a great NYE! :) xxx

  4. @boydjane says:

    Really enjoyed this post. Thanks for the link back to mine. I am glad that my post spoke to you in a way that enabled you to consider things further. I love this line in your post…

    “The things I’m passionate about freak me out, turn up the resistance and yet make me happier than I’ve ever been before.”

    I totally agree with you on that and I feel exactly the same way. The power is in pushing through the flinch whenever it presents itself…there is no doubt about it.

    I wish you well on your journey.

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