Day 332 – Doubting the End
I’m sitting with myself, my tender heart, my bruised ego. I’m sitting talking myself down off the writing ledge where I give up everything and forget my dreams.
I took a risk. I started testing my concepts on others because that’s what my new course assigned me for this week. I thought it would be easy. I felt like my ideas were golden, that they would be loved and understood and bought up in an instant.
Instead, I got confused looks, questions about the ideas, requests to repeat those ideas and general non-excitement.
I guess I’m not so bothered that the ideas weren’t as warmly received as I’d hoped they would be, and more freaked out about the question in my mind as to whether I can really think up an idea that’s good enough to get me paid. What if my dreams are just that – dreams. What if I can write to a certain level, but I’ve already hit that level. What if… what if… what if…
I know what I need to do. I need to go back to my ideas, pick out the best bits and keep working on them. I need to keep rewriting, rethinking, reworking. I need to pick up the pieces of my heart and mind and keep on keeping on.
I also need to be tender with myself, to hold my heart near and dear, to pat my ego on the back and tell it nice things for a little while. I need to take a moment and grieve the loss of my movie Samsara until I get fed up enough to just start hitting those keys again.
It’s not easy to begin again, it’s not easy to pick up the pieces, but what’s the point in starting if you’re not going to at least try to finish?
And finish I shall…