Day 336 – Fear and Loathing in Loving Myself


Zencast 333 – Loving Kindness – Part 1

I’ve been going through a weird period lately. I’m filled with joy and happiness about the turn my life is taking and all the wonderful opportunities I’m getting. I’m excited about my growing career, possibilities with friends and relationships, and a life filled with family.

Yet, I still have days when I eat all the wrong things, don’t exercise, refuse to meditate and generally abuse myself. I had an idea about why I do this, but it was only when Sui Solitaire sent a gift to my inbox today that I finally understood why completely. I wanted to link to her post, but she mostly writes to inboxes so, I’ll have to quote her here instead:

Sorry, Sui has decided to delete her online presence and has requested that her work not be published anywhere so, I have respected her wish and deleted her quote.

WOW! So many light bulbs going off in my head. I couldn’t have written it or explained it any better. Thank goodness for blogs that express the things in life that I have no idea how to express. Thank goodness for blogs that help me understand what I don’t understand about the way I often act.

I’ve always had a problem loving myself, that’s why I ended up in such a miserable place these last several years. I thought I had gotten better at loving myself, but now I see that the journey to loving myself isn’t over. There are still many ways I wish to sabotage myself because I still feel I’m not worthy enough of my own love (thankfully just not as often as I used to).

I think this is why there are still so many things that have not aligned themselves in my life yet – like my recent, short-lived relationship with an amazing guy. It would have had to have been long distance and that just wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I also believe that I wasn’t ready for it to ‘work out’ yet, that there are plans afoot that I do not yet know of. There are things I still need to accomplish and ways I still need to work on myself before I’m finally ready for the gifts our relationship would bring.

That’s not to say that I think ‘we’ are over. I have great faith that ‘we’ were simply a taster of what is to come, a sample of faith that I simply need to keep going, to keep working on myself and then when that day finally comes it will be better than I ever could have understood because I will finally be in the right place to accept it.

That also doesn’t mean that I will be perfect at that point. I will always be a work in progress, but there is a time for everything and I believe we have to be patient for the right timing or we can brush all the goodness we’re collecting right out of our lives because we need it all RIGHT NOW.

That’s my mantra right now, anyway. When the timing is right, the goodness will be waiting.

What’s your mantra for the moment?



10 Responses to “Day 336 – Fear and Loathing in Loving Myself”
  1. A Dog With Fleas says:

    We all must be having that “Aha” moment, because that is exactly what my mantra would be at the moment. Realizing you do things to sabotage your life, things you didn’t even realize you were doing, is where I am.

    It is not until someone points them out to you, and you accepts it, that you can finally move on to change it. Hope you get there and hope I do to.

  2. Brandee says:

    “That also doesn’t mean that I will be perfect at that point.” Those words ring very true. I read so much of myself in here.

    Loving myself has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, since it’s easy to put myself aside for everyone and everything else. I have a tendency to overwork myself to feel important, so my mantra has been to take the quiet moments I have and just relax, allowing what will happen to happen without stressing over the results. It’s an ongoing process, but that’s not such a bad thing, I think. :-)

    • Definitely not. Good for you that you are working on that issue. It will sometimes be a struggle to keep it up, but it sounds like you know what you need to do for yourself, which is great. Thankfully, there is always another day to start over again if need be. Thanks for commenting :)

  3. Denise says:

    My mantra is “I approve of me.” Great post and great realizations. I had the same a-ha moment. We just have to keep peeling back the layers and moving forward.

  4. Another wonderful post that really resonates with me.

    I am the queen of self sabotaging. Seriously. Even today – I’ve eaten crisps containing dairy (I’m dairy intolerant), lollies (I can’t have preservatives). I’ve bitten all my nails off (yet again). And the list goes on.

    I really need to re-read this wonderful post and let it really absorb.


    • Wow. I used to do the same thing and Gil actually talks in one Zencast about how he used to crave and eat wheat (I think) which he is intolerant too. It was difficult for me to stop eating dairy when I found out about my intolerance, but I have felt so much better ever since I stopped and even now if I try to eat something with dairy in it my body actually tells me not to. It’s like the talk I went to by Kelsang Nyema. She talked about how she stopped drinking coffee. Eventually she just didn’t want to put up with how it left her feeling afterwards – sick. I think we all get to a point when we just can’t do it anymore. Not to say we won’t fall off the wagon a couple of times, but we all have our peak. Hopefully you will find yours soon and give up dairy and food with preservatives for the long run.
      Good luck to you! It ain’t easy! _/\_

      • That was so interesting – thank you so much for sharing :-). I am proud of myself today – I actually got some chips out (I was entertaining), and even though I kept being offered some, I resisted. Although I did have a few lollies. So baby steps ;-)

      • Baby steps is the best way from what I’ve found! Trying to do too much at once is a recipe for a disaster. Sounds like you made some progress today! Well done. Keep up the great work :)

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