Day 336 – Fear and Loathing in Loving Myself
I’ve been going through a weird period lately. I’m filled with joy and happiness about the turn my life is taking and all the wonderful opportunities I’m getting. I’m excited about my growing career, possibilities with friends and relationships, and a life filled with family.
Yet, I still have days when I eat all the wrong things, don’t exercise, refuse to meditate and generally abuse myself. I had an idea about why I do this, but it was only when Sui Solitaire sent a gift to my inbox today that I finally understood why completely. I wanted to link to her post, but she mostly writes to inboxes so, I’ll have to quote her here instead:
Sorry, Sui has decided to delete her online presence and has requested that her work not be published anywhere so, I have respected her wish and deleted her quote.
WOW! So many light bulbs going off in my head. I couldn’t have written it or explained it any better. Thank goodness for blogs that express the things in life that I have no idea how to express. Thank goodness for blogs that help me understand what I don’t understand about the way I often act.
I’ve always had a problem loving myself, that’s why I ended up in such a miserable place these last several years. I thought I had gotten better at loving myself, but now I see that the journey to loving myself isn’t over. There are still many ways I wish to sabotage myself because I still feel I’m not worthy enough of my own love (thankfully just not as often as I used to).
I think this is why there are still so many things that have not aligned themselves in my life yet – like my recent, short-lived relationship with an amazing guy. It would have had to have been long distance and that just wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I also believe that I wasn’t ready for it to ‘work out’ yet, that there are plans afoot that I do not yet know of. There are things I still need to accomplish and ways I still need to work on myself before I’m finally ready for the gifts our relationship would bring.
That’s not to say that I think ‘we’ are over. I have great faith that ‘we’ were simply a taster of what is to come, a sample of faith that I simply need to keep going, to keep working on myself and then when that day finally comes it will be better than I ever could have understood because I will finally be in the right place to accept it.
That also doesn’t mean that I will be perfect at that point. I will always be a work in progress, but there is a time for everything and I believe we have to be patient for the right timing or we can brush all the goodness we’re collecting right out of our lives because we need it all RIGHT NOW.
That’s my mantra right now, anyway. When the timing is right, the goodness will be waiting.
What’s your mantra for the moment?
- 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. (talesfromthelou.wordpress.com)
- 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy (skeptycal.wordpress.com)
- Accepting that you’re in a rut… (liveyourpositivelife.com)