Day 348 – At War
Of course we have difficulties in our relationships, with our families, with society. But we also have difficulties in our relations with ourselves. Our tendency is to believe that while things are not going well outside of us, everything is just fine within ourselves. That’s an idea we need to reexamine. We have conflicts and suffering inside. Sometimes we have the impression that we are unable to get in touch with ourselves; we feel alienated, and we always want to escape from ourselves. We hate ourselves and we have no confidence, so we just pretend that everything is fine within us. We should not think that the problem lies outside us. We have accumulations of suffering and conflict within us. We have a war going on inside. – You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh
I’m fine. It’s you, not me that has the problem. I’m perfect as I am. Nothing bothers me while everything seems to bother you. I love myself and my life. I’m happy with things the way they are, it’s just the world around me I wish I could change to make everything perfect. But me. Not me. I’m ‘fine’.
This was the attitude I lived with for the first 27 years of my life. Did it serve me well? Well, I was pretty unhappy most of the time so, it’s safe to say that it didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m to blame for all the problems in my life, but at the same time I am. If I could have changed my thinking and my attitude towards my life then I could have solved many of the problems that arose in my life. I wouldn’t have rid my life of problems in any way, but I would have been able to weather them better.
It’s not that I’m a masochist nowadays who prides herself on beating herself up about every little thing I do wrong. Quite the opposite. Okay, well sometimes I do (like today – you don’t wanna know – lets just say it wasn’t my finest moment), but most of the time I do my best to take care of the war raging within.
Sometimes this war raises its white flag. Other times it doesn’t. Yet, every time I face that war, that I face myself and the conflict within, I grow. A little bit of my thinking and my reaction to my thinking changes. I have fewer moments of insanity. I have more clarity of thought. I take all the doubt I have swirling about in my mind about certain situations and I realize that no matter how long I struggle with their meaning, I would be better to spend my time breathing in and arriving in the moment than focusing on those thoughts anymore.
But it’s still a struggle. It’s still an internal war that rages continually with no pull out date. All I can do is sit everyday, keep working on my thoughts and have faith that I will continue to create a more internal peaceful world.
May you be working towards winning your own internal wars.